I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
