I wish I only lived at night.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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