If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
