I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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