i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
