Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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