How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
