last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
