dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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