I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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