I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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