a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
