Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
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I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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