I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
