I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
