I met the friendliest cop last night
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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