Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake