I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
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I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
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the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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