Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
