He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
