I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
