I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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