Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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