Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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