he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
