Sry I called you an 8
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
