I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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