Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
