Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
