and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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