new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
