i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
