I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
