We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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