he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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