So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
