She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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