theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
