i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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