I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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