His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
