I CAN MOONWALK!
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
