You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
