he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
