I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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