i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
