you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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