YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
When are your genitals available?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
