We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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