Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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