Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
