i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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