If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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