i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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