i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
