Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
no. you can't hotbox the world.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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