don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I think I just sharted jello shots
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