i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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