OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
