I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
