So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
